Destiny has a funny way at times of showing us that no matter what we try to control, she still takes the lead.
Hi, I am Melissa Blynn (Micalone) age 37 and meet my Father, Eddie Micalone age 63. I was pretty much raised by this man for the first 7 years of my life. I want to give a disclosure it was far from perfect. You see my father suffered from severe drug abuse and everything that comes along with that. The highs and the lows. The verbal abuse, uncertainty and moments of rage.
For me, I never knew what I was going get so I my best to be on my best behavior because I was afraid of getting yelled at. I didn’t know what a healthy love was in anyway growing up because it was always inconsistent and full of chaos. The back and forth emotions with my father was trauma at its finest. The in and out support of my mother when she was around. It all confused me as a little girl and created deep rooted limiting beliefs, worthiness and downright scarcity. I felt like most of my childhood was this roller coaster of emotions and support but half of the time I was the one supporting them.
My father has been in a nursing home for the last 14 years of his life due to the drug abuse he inflicted upon his body for my whole life. In 2015, he suffered a major heart attack and was revived, but he ended up getting full blown dementia. Little did I know that when this all transpired, Epicluv began to manifest in every shape possible to save me. Save me from following the same path of self-destruction. Teach me deep healing around my spiritual and physical wellbeing.
I remember holding his hand at UMC hospital 14 years ago, feeding him and asking god/source to forgive me for such anger I held in my heart for him. I blamed him for such pain and despair. For breaking up our family. For being cruel to me and my mom. But what I came to learn very quickly was that my father was my teacher of forgiveness, compassion, and unconditional love. How could I hold such hate in my heart for a man? How could I hate a man who required hand feeding and being in a partial comma? I couldn’t. It crushed me to see someone I love to suffer so much and that at the core of it I could do nothing to control it. Nothing at all.
My sadness and deep inner reflection started taking place. My work IN started and it was never looking back.
Fast forward to today, 4/4/2019. My father’s body I slowly shutting down and I had to go to Salt Lake to do what has come to be one of the hardest things yet in my life. To take full responsibility for my father’s wishes and sign his DNR papers knowing he my only have a few more days and/or weeks to live and deny him care.
As the head nurse recites the paperwork to me, I couldn’t help but well up with tears. “Do you give the approval to deny him hospital care and receive medical attention if he starts to decline further?” she asks me. My guilt sets in. The abandonment triggers fester within me. The scared little girl in me is trembling inside and wants to run and hide but I can’t.
I have to honor my father’s VOICE. His wishes.
I have to be strong even when I don’t know how.
I have to go at this alone. Sign on the dotted line and pray he forgives me someday.
Prior to signing his life away, I spent one hour cuddling in his bedside with him. Daddy I ask, “What do you want, do you want to go to the hospital?” His direct decline was clear. He expressed saying I was the only thing he was living for and that he was going to get out of the nursing home soon and we would be skiing again soon. The sad part is I am not sure if he was just saying that or it was him not being aware of how sick he really was.
As I prepared to say goodbye, I stood up and kissed his forehead with tears flowing down my check I said, “You are my HERO and he said, you are my WARRIOR!”
So here it is. Forgive. Hold Space. Speak your truth no matter how much your voice shakes. Honor what others say ALWAYS, this is there TRUTH not ours.
My father hasn’t been active in my life since I was 18 years old, so how the hell did he know I was a Warrior? He knew because the reality is we are ALL connected no matter what. We are physical bodies on this earth with souls that never die. Ever….
Daddy- I love you beyond measures. I will ski every mountain in your honor. I will hang our photo up in my own cabin someday. And thank you for giving me the permission to honor your voice for you when you couldn’t no more.
Love, Your Warrior
Rest In Peace Daddy 4/4/19 at 5:34 pm.. May god be with you now..